I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
