Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
