I intend to get homeless drunk
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
