I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
