JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
