I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
