I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
