Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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