Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
