he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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