Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dicks are not precious.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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