i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
