Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
