I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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