$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
