two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
