Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
