my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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