it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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