New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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