A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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