I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
