i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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