Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
