fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
