Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
