Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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