Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
