Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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