Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
