i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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