Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
