I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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