I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
