I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
