I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You're like the curious george of whores
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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