i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
