Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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