I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
