I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We have started to decorate penises.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
