Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
my liver is dry heaving
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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