I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You pole danced in your parka.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
