There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
