We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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