I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
