You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
