he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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