He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
