I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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