smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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